Secret Grieving

I’m experiencing waves of grief off and on throughout the day and can’t discuss it with anyone buy Newel yet.  If the secret comes to be, an era in my life will end, but another one will begin—maybe a really good one that could change the tears to smiles and laughter.  In the meantime, I keep the kleenex box close by.  I can’t predict when a wave will wash over me.

I don’t need this on top of another bout of poor communication with my pain doctor and the start of the rainy season here in western Washington, and more signs of senility in my 91-year-old dad………..  More later.

Winning and Losing

Tonight Newel and I attended a Church dinner where we raced our own Pinewood Derby cars.  Newel’s car competed three times and won once.  I competed twice and came in second each time (i.e., lost).  We were winners though because we lost in style!

Newel crafted both cars………so cute!  His was an old fashioned Indy 500 racer and mine was a Tin Lizzie!  I called it my “Wood Whizzie”!  When I told him what I wanted, he went on line and got a picture of a Tin Lizzie and worked from that.  Both cars are little works of art.  My car won a box of See’s Candies for being the most creative design.  My “Wood Whizzie” is a good example of how I think and feel about myself.  I don’t like to do things like everyone else—I love to be creative.  Next time I’m going to try to craft my own car.  It all was good for my spirits.

My chronic pain has killed off all my old creative pursuits, and tonight I felt a little spark lighten up the dark.

Update of my Tail of Pain

I’m still sitting on my painful tailbone, waiting for the doctor’s office to receive permission from Medicare for a second try at hitting the right spot with the spinal cord stimulator.  Pills help enough to keep taking them, but they cover about half the pain or less.

I don’t know where I’d be without Medicare, but it is socialized medicine, and I have to put up with the beaurocracy! (SpellCheck wouldn’t spell that word for me and I’m too tired to go get a dictionary.) It’s bureaucracy!  I got the dictionary; I couldn’t stand it. My brain is as tired as my tail.                

Grandchild Alert!

Leif, Freja, Britta and I just had a good tramp in the woods.  We ate the last of the blackberries, kicked over mushrooms big as bird nests, and hacked our way through the brush with Freja and Leif’s new scythes (wooden) made in Grandpa’s shop.

Britta is a living, walking example of why toddlers are called “toddlers”.  In her little purple boots, that match her purple striped dress, with her blond pony tails bobbing along she toddled over the pathways.  This is why my blog page starts with “Grandchildren”.  All of them are the apples of my eyes!

I’m glad right now that we haven’t moved to Utah.  It’s much too beautiful here.

Next week we will try once more to replace the leads on my stimulator to see if we can get it in the right spot for maximum benefit.  More waiting, but worth it in the long run—I hope.

Implant Day

I had the long-awaited trial period of the spinal cord stimulator today.  It’s a day I don’t want to repeat.  The doctor had to do THREE procedures where only one usually suffices.  Despite many shots of anesthesia, it was still very painful.  When it was all over he said I have scar tissue built up where I had  disc repair surgery in the 1980s.  He said it makes my problem in that area more understandable now.

So, the probes were finally in place and hooked up to the control box.  They  tried for a long time to get the probes right over my tail bone, but couldn’t.  When they turned on the juice to the control box, the current felt like my old problem with paresthesia.  If fact, that’s exactly what it is—paresthesia.  I’m going to try it for a week, making contact with the company’s rep every day.  It’s going to have to do a much better job for me to have a permanent implant.

Not at all what I was hoping for.  I’m very disappointed. Maybe it’ll get better with time.

Post Utah

We’re unpacked and back in the saddle again after a 5-day trip to Utah to see all the family there and check out some real estate. 

Seeing the family was delightful.  They had a big barbeque at Jen’s house after Church on Sunday because that was the only day they could all get together.  It was fun for everyone except a few picky eaters who didn’t eat much.  The rest of us chowed down on some very good victuals, visiting as we feasted.   The Alvord home was sporting its new landscaping which included a water feature—a rushing stream over rocks.  Haley asked if she could take out some of the rocks and replace them later!  She’s an original for sure.

We also got to visit with the Shelley’s and the Burdick’s in their sweet homes—“sweet” because love abounded and these grandparents feasted on it.

The tour of homes with a very nice realtor was less successful.  It’s almost going to be impossible to find something that will fill our needs.  One house,  on two acres, had a really great shop and extra land for plenty gardens and orchards, but the house was not thrilling and they were leaving a lot of furniture, including a huge wrap-around couch and huge flat screened TV in the basement.  They said the couch was so big, they had to take it apart to get it down into the basement.  The house was a bit used by humans and dogs and cats.  Ugh.

Sooooooo, we came home ready to stay in Washington a bit longer and make at least two flights down the Utah a year to see the family.  We’ll fulfill our contrast with our real estate agent and stipulate that the buyer had to meet our asking price or no deal.  Everyone can be bought so they say, and we can probably if they meet our price.

My surgery was  cancelled yet again.  The next appointment for it will be the 30th of this month.  I’m more than ready for this thing to happen!

Charlie Brown Alert

My dad was admitted to the ER this morning with a bladder infection.  I saw him this afternoon in the ICU where he will spend the night.  He may stay there longer simply because the hospital is full up!

Wilma called me this afternoon when Newel was out “Churchifyin’” so I hopped in the pickup and went over to the hospital myself.  Newel joined me later.  Dad was ruddy-faced and running a fever.  Occasionally he would get the chills and need more covers.  He was very tired, but was still awake when I got there.  Wilma and I spoke with him, but tried not to tire him anymore with conversation.  We are all very concerned because an infection like this is very treatable, but the doctor keeps reminding us that he’s 91.

While I was there his PB was getting closer to normal and he was coaxed into eating some soup and cottage cheese (his choice). Just before his meal arrived he told Wilma and I to get home because it was getting dark and we didn’t want us driving in the dark.  He had a smile on his face as we kissed him goodnight.  We said we’d be back tomorrow morning.

When Dad does go, I want it to be quick and pain-free, but I am not ready to let him go yet (as if I have anything to do with it!) These last 11 years have been so loving, making up for all the fear I had of him while I was growing up.